"Huber" Ride-sharing Service Opens in Onawa

By Nate Frikandellen - Roving Reporter

Modeled on services like Uber and Lyft, a new ride-sharing service has been launched in Onawa, Iowa.

President and CEO, Ferd Huber, made the announcement today at Dan's Pizza to a crowd of several.

The service, named "Huber" in honor of its founder, has a slightly different business model from its larger competitors.

"Anybody who needs a ride in Monona County can give me a call," explained Huber.  "I expect payment upfront, and it might take a little time for me to get around to you."

"My F-150 needs a lot of work.  Off the top of my head, I'd say a new alternator, a head gasket, a brake job, and a new windshield should take care of it."

"Oh, yeah. The transmission has been making funny noises lately."

Customers who pay Ferd for the service will go on a list, and he plans to start fulfilling rides just as soon as the pickup gets out of the shop.

"Anyone who donates $100 or more will get a free ride to anywhere within the Onawa city limits," Huber added.  "Just make sure you bring gas money."

Boy Presents Trump With Major Award

by Nate Frikandellen, Roving Reporter

Only a day after receiving a gift of a Purple Heart from a retired lieutenant colonel, Donald Trump received another unearned award from a young supporter.

Tommy Lichen of Kennebec, presented Trump with his Participation Award from the Turin Elementary School Civics Bee.

“I said to him, 'Is that like the real one, or is that a copy?” the Republican nominee said moments after taking the stage at a local community center.

Tommy replied that it was a copy. Tommy had placed eleventh out of twelve in Mrs. Gladstone's 4th grade class in the 2016 school Civics Bee.

Trump said, 'Man, that’s like big stuff. I always wanted to get a Participation Award," Trump said. "This was much easier than studying the constitution and American History and stuff.”

"You know, the Federal Trade Commission oversees the Presidential Elections," added Trump. "I'm going to ask them to hand out Participation Awards this year."



(the FTC does not oversee elections;  this is the responsibility of the Federal Election Commission, ed.)

Drag Strip Boon for Local Consignment Shops

Onawa, Iowa

Plans for a drag strip at the site of the old Onawa International Airport have created an economic boon for local consignment stores.

"We have sold out of every previously-owned woman's frock size 4X and above," reported May Tajune, owner of Onawa's "Nothing to Be Ashamed Of" consignment shop.


"We still have a selection of very smart pantsuits, though."

Sanders to Supporters: "BET ON ME!"

Bernie Sanders is encouraging his supporters to wager money on his selection as the Democratic Presidential candidate in 2016.  He's even willing to take the other side of  the bets ...

By Sarah Anchorage, Political Editor

Bernie Sanders has some of the most dedicated supporters in this year's presidential race.  Even with this enthusiasm, many of his "Bernouts" have been hesitant in backing up their support with cold hard cash on the line.

The Sanders campaign is encouraging these supporters to "Bet on Bernie": engage in wagers with Hillary Clinton supporters in any amount (up to $2700.00) they can.

"You can start small," noted Vinnie Neimann, Sanders campaign director of alternative finance. "Find some Hillary hump willing to put up five bucks. You can't lose!"

Neimann continued, "Even if, God forbid, we happen to lose, you can declare the bet a campaign contribution and take a deduction on your income taxes!"

Editor's Note:  Despite the statement above, political campaign contributions are NOT tax-deductible.  Sheesh! Bernie's in enough trouble with the FEC.

 "We want to make this as easy as we can," said Neimann. "If a Bernie fan can't find a Hillary person to bet with, call us!  We will take the other side of the bet!  Bernie himself has taken over 300 Hillary bets in the last couple of months!

Supporters Slow to Move

Despite the encouragement, many Berners are hesitant.

Take the case of Lewis Carroll (not his real name), recently retired as overhead from a New Jersey software company. Carroll cites the high cost of living in New Jersey as an excuse for not engaging in a paltry $5.00 bet with a Hillary supporter.

"Tolls, groceries, property taxes, supporting my secret second family: these things all add up!" explained Carroll.  "I live on Long Beach Island -- the repair costs on my sump pump alone are incredible!"

In addition to his retirement job posting snarky Facebook comments about Hillary Clinton, Carroll is Vice-Chairman of the LBIACB, the Long Beach Island Association of Cheap Bastards.

"I mean, I'm Bernished through and through, but five dollars is five dollars!"