Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Drag Strip Boon for Local Consignment Shops

Onawa, Iowa

Plans for a drag strip at the site of the old Onawa International Airport have created an economic boon for local consignment stores.

"We have sold out of every previously-owned woman's frock size 4X and above," reported May Tajune, owner of Onawa's "Nothing to Be Ashamed Of" consignment shop.


"We still have a selection of very smart pantsuits, though."




Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Sanders to Supporters: "BET ON ME!"

Bernie Sanders is encouraging his supporters to wager money on his selection as the Democratic Presidential candidate in 2016.  He's even willing to take the other side of  the bets ...

By Sarah Anchorage, Political Editor

Bernie Sanders has some of the most dedicated supporters in this year's presidential race.  Even with this enthusiasm, many of his "Bernouts" have been hesitant in backing up their support with cold hard cash on the line.

The Sanders campaign is encouraging these supporters to "Bet on Bernie": engage in wagers with Hillary Clinton supporters in any amount (up to $2700.00) they can.

"You can start small," noted Vinnie Neimann, Sanders campaign director of alternative finance. "Find some Hillary hump willing to put up five bucks. You can't lose!"

Neimann continued, "Even if, God forbid, we happen to lose, you can declare the bet a campaign contribution and take a deduction on your income taxes!"
Editor's Note:  Despite the statement above, political campaign contributions are NOT tax-deductible.  Sheesh! Bernie's in enough trouble with the FEC.
 "We want to make this as easy as we can," said Neimann. "If a Bernie fan can't find a Hillary person to bet with, call us!  We will take the other side of the bet!  Bernie himself has taken over 300 Hillary bets in the last couple of months!

Supporters Slow to Move

Despite the encouragement, many Berners are hesitant.

Take the case of Lewis Carroll (not his real name), recently retired as overhead from a New Jersey software company. Carroll cites the high cost of living in New Jersey as an excuse for not engaging in a paltry $5.00 bet with a Hillary supporter.

"Tolls, groceries, property taxes, supporting my secret second family: these things all add up!" explained Carroll.  "I live on Long Beach Island -- the repair costs on my sump pump alone are incredible!"

In addition to his retirement job posting snarky Facebook comments about Hillary Clinton, Carroll is Vice-Chairman of the LBIACB, the Long Beach Island Association of Cheap Bastards.

"I mean, I'm Bernished through and through, but five dollars is five dollars!"