Sighting of Rare Creature in Loess Hills

 

Least Weasel (randus feenstra)

This week, tourists in Monona County's Loess Hills State Forest spotted a species seldom seen in the area.

The least weasel (also known as the little weasel or common weasel) has a large population in the Northern Hemisphere but is rarely found in Western Iowa.

Naturalists report they are extremely shy and difficult to pin down.

Intel Chip to be Installed in Downtown Onawa

 The Onawa City Council announced last week that a giant model of the Intel 8088 central processing chip will be installed in Onawa.  Using the electron microscope (loaned by Parry Fard of Fard's Collision and Pastries), the citizens were able to view a panoramic view of the future downtown area. 

The Onawa slogan will be changed to "Widest Silicon in the U.S."

Shpilkes Presents: "The Colors of Trump" Trading Cards

Shpilkes Discount Marketing, VLLC is proud to announce "The Colors of Trump", a new set of trading cards highlighting the mind and career of Donald J. Trump!

Most Americans would agree that Donald Trump was a president of the United States.  Now you can commemorate his life and times with a set of trading cards!

The design of these cards is based directly on Trump's personal set of crayons, stored securely at Mar-A-Lago and includes a bonus transparent card!

These are not physical cards, but a modern collection of NFTs (Non Fiduciary Things) and quantities are unlimited! They can be yours for a recurring monthly charge of $99 (each). 

(Note: due to expected demand and court actions, the shipment of these trading cards may be not ship immediately, if at all.)

The cards are randomly generated and each card comes in two versions. Collect them all!

Version 1: "The 18th Hole"

Version 2: "Keep It Coming"

Version 1: "My Military Service"

Version 2: "My Special Subpoena Pants"

Version 1: "A Healthy Glow"

Version 2: "Never Eat 'Em"

Version 1: "King Me!"

Version 2: "My Bone Spurs Medal"

Version 1: "My Pal Putin"

Version 2: Fun with Ketchup"

Version 1: "My Shirts"

Version 2: "Your Noses"

Version 1: "Back 'Em"

Version 2: "Beat "Em" (January 6th Edition)

Version 1: "My Peeps"

Version 2: "My Hood"

Version 1: "Heart and Soul"

Version 2: "Some Things Don't Matter"

Bonus Transparent Card

Version 1: "My True Hair Color"

Version 2: "Election Fraud"

About Shpilkes Discount Marketing

Girnt Shpilkes is the Founder, CEO and sole proprietor of Shpilkes Discount Marketing (a Very Limited Liability Company), a Siouxland-based public relations and marketing firm.

He was the winner of the 2013 and 2014 Lifetime Achievement Awards from the Siouxland Marketing Association.

More about his numerous awards here.

Accident Victim Treated and Released

 

Local police and ambulance services responded to a car accident Thursday evening at the 290th Street bridge over Sherman Creek.

Rusty Tiller, 23, of Kennebec told officers that a drunken bridge railing had appeared out of nowhere, striking his car.

EMTs at the scene assessed Tiller with two broken femurs, a punctured lung, and possible concussion.

The driver was taken to the Onawa Health and Wellness Center. After an initial examination, Tiller was released with a pamphlet on mindfulness meditation and a sample bottle of Tea Tree oil.

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Update, 10:00 p.m.:  The ambulance drivers intended to transport the victim to the Burgess Health Center.  Due to a Google Maps error, he was taken to the Willbury Health and Wellness Center, a new-age facility recently opened in Onawa. A GoFundMe account for the Tiller family is under development.

Free Hats Offered to Encourage Vaccinations

 

Monona County Public Health is offering free hats to encourage residents to get their COVID-19 vaccination shots.

Shots (and hats) will be available on Wednesday at the Onawa Convention Center and on Thursday at the Moorhead Post Office.

The hats have been donated by the local chapter of the American Genealogical  Association and Father B. DuBeos, chapter president.

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Correction:  An earlier version of this story identified the American Gynecological Association as the donor of the hats. We regret the error.

SUX-PI Welcomes Former President Trump to the World of Blogging!

 

Ex-President Donald J. Trump has announced his newest social media adventure.  After being banned from Facebook and Twitter, the former president has created his own blog to communicate with his dwindling base of supporters.

We of the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer not only welcome the defeated president, we feel the strongest kinship with his newly-created blog.

Since 2012, we have worked sporadically to produce mediocre satire, painfully obvious humor, and uninformed, but hurtful, fiction.

We know the late president shares a taste for the same.

Also, the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer has persevered in spite of dreadfully inept staff.  On our roster you'll find the morbidly incompetent, narcissistic  psychopaths, chronic absentees, crooked lawyers, compulsive  liars, and habitual blasphemers.  In addition, our former Assistant Editor in Chief is facing a raft of felony charges.

Again we find a striking number of parallels when we look at the composition of the erstwhile Trump administration.

We wish the past president best of luck with his new blog! Welcome to the team!

Ted Thesaurus, our unpaid intern, helped, assisted, and facilitated this article, column, and posting.  For this we are grateful, thankful, and beholden.

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