NSA Agrees to Begin Monitoring of Pre-Intelligencer

Facing legal action, the National Security Agency has agreed to begin monitoring the communications of the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer offices and staff.

It was revealed Monday that the NSA has overlooked the journal in its otherwise comprehensive surveillance of American businesses and citizens.

Reaction from senior management of the Pre-Intelligencer was swift.  Bob Buttwinder, Senior Counsel, released a stinging and well-worded challenge to the NSA, claiming that the journal was just as much a security threat as any American.  Buttwinder also threatened a legal challenge in Woodbury County Small Claims Court.

Buttwinder's attack eventually brought a response from the NSA.

John Smith, Senior Officer in Charge for Northwest Iowa, Southeast South Dakota, and Northeast Nebraska issued a statement.

"In response to local media pressure, the NSA will begin to monitor all communications of the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer and staff. We are currently reviewing our personnel levels and hope to announce staffing of this effort in the near future. We can not promise full-time monitoring due to recent budget cutbacks, but, be assured, we will raise our surveillance levels of the journal to near-parity.
 

" In the meantime, we encourage all staff of the Pre-Intelligencer to speak slowly and clearly when making phone calls and to make sure they spell-check all emails and text messages."

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NSA Found NOT Monitoring Pre-Intelligencer: Company Demands Answers (Monday, 3/10/14)

NSA Found NOT Monitoring Pre-Intelligencer: Company Demands Answers

Investigative reports have confirmed that that National Security Agency (NSA) has not been monitoring the offices or staff of the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer.

The NSA manages a surveillance program that captures and analyzes the phone calls, emails, texts, Tweets, and video game activities of virtually every United States citizen.  For reasons unknown, the Pre-Intelligencer has been ignored by the NSA.

Reaction to this news by the senior management of the journal was swift and heated.

Bob Buttwinder, Senior Counsel to the Pre-Intelligencer issued a statement this afternoon.

"Speaking for the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer, we find it inexcusable that we should have been passed over in this intelligence campaign.  The ownership and staff of the journal should be considered just as suspicious as any other citizen of this great country.

"Since the NSA is spying on every other news source in the U.S., how embarrassing it would be to miss a "red flag" originating in Siouxland.   There is always the possibility that the Pre-Intelligencer may run a story of nation interest, or be chosen as a conduit by a highly-placed administration leaker.

"We demand that the NSA take immediate steps to include the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer in its monitoring program."

 In an interview exclusive to the Pre-Intelligencer, Buttwinder said he intends to seek a legal remedy to this situation.

"Tomorrow, I will be filing a complaint with the Woodbury County Small Claims Court.  As we speak, my staff are researching legaldocs.com to determine the best approach for our suit."

Little Known Facts! Buying a Gravestone!

by Molly Dibnum-Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer Columnist

Buying a gravestone doesn't have to be expensive or time-consuming!  The following tips can make it a pleasure!

• When shopping, don't forget to check out Amazon "Used and New" listings!  You can find some real bargains, but they might not be eligible for Amazon Prime Two-Day Free Shipping!
• The cost of a gravestone rises the more you have engraved on it!  Keep the text to a minimum! Remember, you can always spray-paint more later!
•  If the cost of buying breaks your budget, consider leasing!
•  You can buy an inexpensive gravestone made from Corian ® countertop material!  Most stores will throw in a free cutting board!
• Finally, many stores will try to sell you a maintenance contract!  Avoid the expense...just make sure the gravestone you buy has a lifetime guarantee!

Wine and Cheese Party Planned for Kickoff

The Siouxland Tourism Bureau has announced a Wine and Cheese Tasting Party during the "Grand Kickoff" of the new promotional campaign.

Soon after the accidental discharge of cheese sludge into the Floyd River, it was discovered that 500 gallons of Chateau Derriere had been released into the Floyd from the Loose Hills Winery on old Highway 75. 

Both spills are expected to reach the mouth of the Floyd in time for the celebration, to be held Sunday, March 9th at 3:30 p.m. at Stockyards Park at the Floyd River Entrance.






Thanks for our Blencoe corespondents for the tip!

Siouxland Tourism Bureau Launches New Promotion

The Siouxland Tourism Bureau has announced the winner of the contest for a new slogan and advertising campaign. The Bureau plans a "Grand Kickoff" to promote Sioux City as a first-class vacation and convention destination.

The winning entry was developed by the advertising firm of Farabelli, Palmer, and Associates for the slogan:

Sioux City: Just a Heartbeat Away from Heaven!

Second place was awarded to Shpilkes Discount Marketing for:

Come to Sioux City!  Bring Your Own Water!

 
As part of the promotion, the city will be reprinting the 1923 publication Sioux City: Three Quarters of a Century of Progress.

"This book is just as relevant today as it was in 1923," declared Mayor Flannel during a break from pressing city business.

The "Grand Kickoff" will be held Sunday, March 9th at 3:30 p.m. at Stockyards Park at the Floyd River Entrance.  Featured activities and exhibits will include:

• face painting for children
• traffic camera photographs of family groups
• the world's largest Republican
• pothole fishing.

In honor of Siouxland's Native American heritage, representatives of the Winnebago Tribe will be offering free shuttle bus service to the Sloan Casino.  Members of the Omaha Tribe will be conducting a rain dance, weather permitting.  

Anchorage to Return in April

Sarah Anchorage, Second Assistant Editor in Chief of the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer is on sabbatical and will return in April.

Mayor Urges Calm After Industrial Spill

Siouxland citizens were reassured by Mayor Flannel at an emergency town meeting Tuesday night.

It was discovered Monday that PopPop's Pop Bottling Company had accidentally released 10,000 gallons of fresh water into the Floyd River.

The spill is expected to double the concentration of dihydrogen monoxide in the Floyd.


Mayor Flannel noted that there are no near-term health effects from the spill and that storm drains throughout the city have been opened in an attempt to return the waterway to its natural state.

Remediation will be aided by the upstream cheese sludge spill. 

City officials expect the return of the characteristic color and smell within a week.