Iowa Coast Guard Auxiliary Dispatched to Border

by Flain Douglas, Factotum

Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds announced today that she is ordering the Iowa Coast Guard Auxiliary to patrol the Iowa-Nebraska border.

"This is our contribution to the effort to put an end to illegal Cornhusker border crossings", said Reynolds.

The deployment of the Coast Guard Auxiliary is viewed as an interim measure, designed to "hold the line" while Congressman Steve King seeks funding for a wall to be built between the two states in the middle of the Missouri River. 

King initiated this program by dispatching engineers from King Construction (Kiron, Iowa) to perform site assessments on the river.

The team of three has not been heard from in six weeks.

IN OTHER NEWS

Two bodies and a surveyor's transit recovered from river above St. Louis.

This is a developing story.

Local Consignment Shops Drop Fashions By Ivanka

By Sarah Anchorage

Local consignment shops in Onawa, Iowa are no longer stocking previously-owned fashions by Ivanka Trump.

Marge Hotep, proprietor of the "Look What I Found in the Basement" store says the decision has nothing to do with politics.

"They just don't sell," says Marge.  "We end up with all this clothing we can't sell and it takes up precious floor space we need for things like old cassette tapes, kitchen canisters, and used prostheses."

Other second-hand shops are following Marge's lead, including "Act Backwards" and "Turin It Over".

The movement away from Ivanka fashions includes all her clothing lines, including "I-29 by Night" and "Carhartt by Trump."

Marge's advice for locals trying to get rid of their Ivanka clothing:

"Goodwill will take it, but they turn it over to a recycling service.  People might want to save some of it if they need to plug holes in their houses' foundations."

"Huber" Ride-sharing Service Opens in Onawa

By Nate Frikandellen - Roving Reporter

Modeled on services like Uber and Lyft, a new ride-sharing service has been launched in Onawa, Iowa.

President and CEO, Ferd Huber, made the announcement today at Dan's Pizza to a crowd of several.

The service, named "Huber" in honor of its founder, has a slightly different business model from its larger competitors.

"Anybody who needs a ride in Monona County can give me a call," explained Huber.  "I expect payment upfront, and it might take a little time for me to get around to you."

"My F-150 needs a lot of work.  Off the top of my head, I'd say a new alternator, a head gasket, a brake job, and a new windshield should take care of it."

"Oh, yeah. The transmission has been making funny noises lately."

Customers who pay Ferd for the service will go on a list, and he plans to start fulfilling rides just as soon as the pickup gets out of the shop.

"Anyone who donates $100 or more will get a free ride to anywhere within the Onawa city limits," Huber added.  "Just make sure you bring gas money."

Boy Presents Trump With Major Award

by Nate Frikandellen, Roving Reporter

Only a day after receiving a gift of a Purple Heart from a retired lieutenant colonel, Donald Trump received another unearned award from a young supporter.

Tommy Lichen of Kennebec, presented Trump with his Participation Award from the Turin Elementary School Civics Bee.

“I said to him, 'Is that like the real one, or is that a copy?” the Republican nominee said moments after taking the stage at a local community center.

Tommy replied that it was a copy. Tommy had placed eleventh out of twelve in Mrs. Gladstone's 4th grade class in the 2016 school Civics Bee.

Trump said, 'Man, that’s like big stuff. I always wanted to get a Participation Award," Trump said. "This was much easier than studying the constitution and American History and stuff.”

"You know, the Federal Trade Commission oversees the Presidential Elections," added Trump. "I'm going to ask them to hand out Participation Awards this year."



(the FTC does not oversee elections;  this is the responsibility of the Federal Election Commission, ed.)

Drag Strip Boon for Local Consignment Shops

Onawa, Iowa

Plans for a drag strip at the site of the old Onawa International Airport have created an economic boon for local consignment stores.

"We have sold out of every previously-owned woman's frock size 4X and above," reported May Tajune, owner of Onawa's "Nothing to Be Ashamed Of" consignment shop.


"We still have a selection of very smart pantsuits, though."

Sanders to Supporters: "BET ON ME!"

Bernie Sanders is encouraging his supporters to wager money on his selection as the Democratic Presidential candidate in 2016.  He's even willing to take the other side of  the bets ...

By Sarah Anchorage, Political Editor

Bernie Sanders has some of the most dedicated supporters in this year's presidential race.  Even with this enthusiasm, many of his "Bernouts" have been hesitant in backing up their support with cold hard cash on the line.

The Sanders campaign is encouraging these supporters to "Bet on Bernie": engage in wagers with Hillary Clinton supporters in any amount (up to $2700.00) they can.

"You can start small," noted Vinnie Neimann, Sanders campaign director of alternative finance. "Find some Hillary hump willing to put up five bucks. You can't lose!"

Neimann continued, "Even if, God forbid, we happen to lose, you can declare the bet a campaign contribution and take a deduction on your income taxes!"

Editor's Note:  Despite the statement above, political campaign contributions are NOT tax-deductible.  Sheesh! Bernie's in enough trouble with the FEC.

 "We want to make this as easy as we can," said Neimann. "If a Bernie fan can't find a Hillary person to bet with, call us!  We will take the other side of the bet!  Bernie himself has taken over 300 Hillary bets in the last couple of months!

Supporters Slow to Move

Despite the encouragement, many Berners are hesitant.

Take the case of Lewis Carroll (not his real name), recently retired as overhead from a New Jersey software company. Carroll cites the high cost of living in New Jersey as an excuse for not engaging in a paltry $5.00 bet with a Hillary supporter.

"Tolls, groceries, property taxes, supporting my secret second family: these things all add up!" explained Carroll.  "I live on Long Beach Island -- the repair costs on my sump pump alone are incredible!"

In addition to his retirement job posting snarky Facebook comments about Hillary Clinton, Carroll is Vice-Chairman of the LBIACB, the Long Beach Island Association of Cheap Bastards.

"I mean, I'm Bernished through and through, but five dollars is five dollars!"

Shpilkes Marketing Wins RNC 2016 Presidential Contract

Shpilkes Discount Marketing VLLC has been awarded a major contract by the Republican National Committee for public relationship services to support the 2016 presidential campaign.

After a hotly-contested bidding round, Shpilkes was able to secure the contract after offering to supply his services to all Republican candidates through a volume discount.

Girnt Shpilkes, Chairman and CEO of Shpilkes Discount Marketing, said the promotional campaigns have begun in earnest.

Slogans have been developed for each of the candidates, and will be rolling out in nationwide print and electronic media during the next two weeks.

The slogans:

Ben Carson

"Being President is just like being a surgeon.  Sometimes the patient is not going to make it!"

Chris Christie

"Hand over your lunch money, you little punk!"

Ted Cruz

"I'll have the Presidency with some fava beans and a nice chianti!"

Jim Gilmore

"What's my name! I mean seriously ... I'm asking ... what's my name?"

Lindsey Graham

"Hush my mouth!"

Carly Fiorina

"I drove Hewlett Packard into the ground;  I can drive America to greatness!"

Bobby Jindahl

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd!"

John Kasich

"I look moderate now, don't I?"

Mike Huckabee

"Somebody's got to make Jeb look smart!"

George Pataki

"Yes, he's still alive!"

Rand Paul

"Not as dumb as he sounds!"

Rick Perry

"Feel the Oops!"

Marco Rubio

"Thirsty for success!"

Rick Santorum

"HELLO! ... hello ... hello ... hello ..."

Donald Trump

"Yes, it's my hair ... my brain is just providing too much fertilizer!"

Scott Walker

"An you thought Ted Cruz was unethical!"

Jeb Bush

"JEB!   JEB?   JEB!?!"

The campaign already shows the hallmarks of a Shpilkes effort: the smattering of quality, the limited use of fonts, and liberal use of exclamation points.

As with the 2012 election, Shpilkes' expenses are being covered by the Democratic National Committee.