Willbury Medical Supplies Announces Pacemaker App for iPhone

Willbury Medical Supplies has announced the availability of their new "CLEAR!" pacemaker app for the iPhone.

Using the app on the iPhone allows those with cardiac arrhythmia to get rid of their old stand-alone pacemaker and enjoy the benefits of an even heartbeat while texting, emailing, or watching a Youtube video.

The app is available through the iTunes store for $2.99.  The required wiring harness is available at Radio Shack or Best Buy for $84.99.

Versions of the app for the Android or Windows Mobile platform are not scheduled.

While Willbury plans enhancement releases to the "CLEAR!" app in the near future, the focus of the next release will be on bug fixes.

Second Candidate Emerges for Drainage Post

A second candidate has announced for the office of Commissioner, Monona County Drainage District 42 (Northeastern Blencoe), promising a heated race in this year's special election.

Wright Yurname-Bellow, a recent transplant to this area, will be seeking to fill the vacancy created when the current commissioner resigned mid-way through their term.

Yurname-Bellow will be running as a Republican.  His opponent, Trippeshannendoi Yingafoldan Svernisdaggen-Phaffenstein, has registered as an Independent.

Mormons Baptize Lehman Brothers, Others

It was revealed yesterday that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS) has secretly baptized Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns.

LDS Temple, Sioux Falls

The practice of baptizing the dead into the Mormon faith has come under fire recently, when it was disclosed that Anne Frank and Mahatma Ghandi were among many who have been posthumously baptized by the Church.

It is believed that this is the first time the Mormons have baptized corporations.

A leading spokesman for the Church said, "Corporations are people, my friend." He went on to explain, "It follows that dead corporations are dead people and that makes them fair game for baptism."

Lehman Brothers and the Bear Stearns Companies both went bankrupt in 2008.

Shpilkes Joins P-I Staff

The Pre-Intelligencer is pleased to announce that Girnt Shpilkes is joining our Interweb Log staff as Business and Religion Editor.

Shpilkes is Chairman and CEO of Shpilkes Discount Marketing, VLLC, a Siouxland-based public relations and marketing firm.

Shpilkes Discount Marketing focuses on the widest possible range of services, including:

• Branding--Developed the brand name and promotion for "Impact Airlines"
• Promotion--Created the well-known slogan for Willbury Medical Supplies: "We Put A Little Quality In Everything We Make"
• Product Development--Conceptualized and introduced Mahlon Davis Farms' "Lite Lard" and rebranded its "Lard Classic"

During 2011, Shpilkes advised the Republican National Committee on strategy and debate preparation.

Sarah Anchorage will continue in her role as Political and Fashion Editor for the P-I, while Girnt keeps his eye on the pulse of Siouxland business.

Welcome, Girnt!

Nation's Flattest Raccoon Visits Nation's Widest Main Street

Thursday afternoon, February 2, a raccoon was seen wandering through the town of Onawa, Iowa.

Evidently confused by the multiple traffic lights at the intersection of 10th Street and Iowa Avenue, the raccoon encountered an Iowa State DNR vehicle and sustained severe compression.  The raccoon was cited post mortem for failure to yield right-of-way.

It is unknown why it decided to venture into town and attempts to contact next of kin were unsuccessful.

In related news, West Monona High School is revising this week's lunch menu.

2011 Flood: Corps Distracted by American Idol Finals

An independent investigation has released a report documenting the causes of the 2011 Missouri River flood.

Although record snow melts and spring rains contributed to the widespread flooding, the report finds that members of the local Army Corps of Engineers were distracted by the Fox Television show "American Idol".

Corp members followed each episode of the competition, from early auditions through the final competition between Lauren Alaina and Scotty McCreery.

Last year's series spanned the months of January, 2011 through May of last year.  Unfortunately, during this time water levels in the Missouri reservoirs increased to dangerously high levels--escaping the notice of the Corps of Engineers.

 "This was one of the best American Idol years yet!" explained Sgt. Wealy Amlets.  "Simon was gone, we had new judges...who knew what was going to happen!"

As the river backup reached critical levels, Corps members spent their non-TV time posting on American Idol discussion boards, watching Youtube reruns, and even staged their own "Engineer Idol" competition.

"I guess we sort of took our eyes off the ball," commented Cpl. Jon Kingsley. (Kingsley played the part of Ryan Seacrest during the Yankton Division competitions.)

By the time the American Idol competition ended (with McCreery named the winner), the Corps of Engineers were forced to release unprecedented volumes of water through all six major dams, leading to flooding from North Dakota to Kansas.

Major Felix Rodney was the commanding officer of the Corps of Engineers Missouri River Basin Management Division during the first half of 2011.  Based on the findings of the report, Major Rodney was asked what changes he would have made during those critical months.

"I would have doubled up my votes for Lauren."



 

Wife Catches Cold: Gingrich Dating Again

Callista Gingrich, wife of Republican Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, has been confined to bed with a slight head cold.  Long hours on the campaign trail amidst throngs of her husband's supporters have taken their toll: Mrs. Gingrich awoke this morning complaining of a slight headache, a sore throat, and sniffles.

Upon receiving the news of his wife's illness, Gingrich immediately announced that he was back on the market. "I was in my office and on match.com in a heartbeat," proclaimed Gingrich.

Gingrich left his first wife while she was recovering from cancer surgery and his second after she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

A Gingrich spokesman justified the candidate's decision to begin dating:


      "We don't want to downplay the seriousness of Callista's condition.  I know that the media has been calling this a common cold, but, in fact, this is a rhinovirus; a medical threat that costs the United States over $7.7 billion dollars a year.  There is no known cure for Mrs. Gingrich's disease."

When pressed about his near-term plans, Gingrich noted that the next Republican debate isn't scheduled until February 22nd, leaving him plenty of free time to update his online profile.

Still, ex-Speaker Gingrich knows that, in romance as in politics, timing is the priority.

"There are four caucuses in the next week, but I'll leave those to the Super PAC," said Gingrich.

"I've got to focus on Valentine's Day."

From The Archives - July, 1985

New Business Opens in Onawa

The Onawa Chamber of Commerce welcomes "The Staple Shop" to Main Street.

The shop sells two staple types: one with the ends pointed inward and one with the ends pointed outward.

submitted by Alan Todd

Week In Review: February 5, 2012

Donald Trump Endorses Candidate: No Third Party Bid

Real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump endorsed a candidate for the GOP Presidential run this week.

Spokespeople for all of the GOP candidates expressed relief at the news.

The announcement calmed fears that Trump would run as an Independent candidate in the 2012 Presidential election and would split the hotly-contested "None of the Above" vote.

Snow Blankets Siouxland:  Storm Praised as "Job Creator"

A winter storm blanketed Western Iowa in glistening white snow Saturday.  Snowfall amounts ranged from two inches in Sioux City proper to over nine inches in Council Bluffs.

Congressman Steve King (R-IA) praised the winter storm as "an example of the job creation potential possible when the weather teams up with free market forces."


Several hundred former factory workers and middle managers were knocking on doors in the Siouxland area yesterday, offering snow shoveling and car-starting services.

Blencoe Man Announces Run for Vacant Commissioner Seat

Trippeshannendoi Svernisdaggen-Phaffenstein of Monona County has announced his candidacy for Commissioner of Monona County Drainage District 42 (Northeastern Blencoe).

The seat will be filled in a special election this November.  The position was vacated when the current commissioner resigned to spend more time with family.

Svernisdaggen-Phaffenstein is running as an Independent and is currently unopposed.

Welcome Sarah Anchorage and Our New Interweb Log!

The editors of the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer are happy to announce the creation of our new "Interweb Log" (or "Interlog").  We'll be using this "cutting edge" technology to keep you informed on the news and issues of most importance to Western Iowa.

We also want to welcome our newest associate editor, Sarah Anchorage, to our staff.  As the former Commissioner for Monona County Drainage District 42 (Northeastern Blencoe), Sarah has her finger on the heartbeat of politics in Western Iowa.

In addition to editing our  Interlog, Sarah will periodically provide her unique perspective on the region through personal opinion pieces.

Welcome Sarah, and welcome Pre-Intelligencer readers to the news media of the 20th century!