Onawa Police Monitor Political Rally

Tensions ran high in Monona County yesterday when Mark Jacobs, candidate for Iowa's Senate seat, visited the county seat of Onawa.

Locals feared an outbreak of political protest similar to recent demonstrations in the Ukraine and Argentina.





The entire Onawa Police force was activated and monitored the events from the front booths at the Onawa Cafe.  The Blencoe Police Force was called in to provide reinforcement.

The following video shows the rally in its entirety. (Click HERE if you don't see the video below)

 

Correction:  An earlier version of this story reported "Mark Jacobs supporters turned out in droves."   It should have read "a Mark Jacobs supporter drove by."  We regret the error.

Memorial Service Held for Staff Member Bogo

A Memorial Service was held yesterday for Bogo the Wonder Chimp, former Copy Editor and Proofreeder for the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer.  The service was held during the regularly-scheduled lunch hour in the Pre-Intelligencer break room

Bogo has been missing since Sunday afternoon, the 23rd of February. Bogo joined the staff earlier this year.  His career included similar assignments at a number of news sources, including the Onawa Democrat and Fox News Online.

All the Pre-Intelligencer staff participated in the service.

Molly Dibnum, Columnist,  began the hour by singing her own composition, accompanying herself on the accordion.  Her performance brought forth many a tear, especially the last verse:

"And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a monkey in the wind
Never knowing how to spell "you're"
Or put commas in..."

Perry Fard, Religion Editor read a short passage from Wikipedia explaining the difference between chimpanzees and monkeys.

Although Second Assistant Editor-In-Chief Sarah Anchorage could not attend, she arranged for a cake for the service.  Sarah also sent a text, confirming that Bogo's name would continue to be carried on the masthead in honor of his months of service.

Business Editor Girnt Shpilkes concluded the service by reading a press release announcing the new TeleDentistry service from Willbury Medical Supplies.

The staff would like to thank Willbury Medical Supplies for waiving the coffee contribution requirement during the service.

SCP-I Editor on Hiatus

Sarah Anchorage, Politics and Fashion Editor and Second Assistant Editor-In-Chief will be out the office during the week of February 24th, due to a death in the family.  In her absence, please contact Flain Douglas with any inquiries.

Sarah is expected to return next week.

Little Known Facts! Around the Home

by Molly Dibnum-Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer Columnist

A shout-out to our own Sarah Anchorage for today's fascinating Little Known Facts!

• The adult human body contains about 5 quarts of blood.  An adult chimpanzee has only about 3 quarts.

• If placed in a well-sealed vacuum bag, meat will last over two years in the freezer.

• To remove pet hair from washable garments, add 1/2 cup of white distilled vinegar to your washer's rinse cycle.  This helps the fabric fibers relax and release the hair.

• To clean and "freshen" your butcher block, use a solution of  1/2 cup peroxide, 1 cup water and a tablespoon of dish detergent. Scrub with a soft brush and let dry overnight.

 Kudos, Sarah!

Bogo the Wonder Chimp Missing: Feared Missing

Exclusive to the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer

by Flain Douglas, Cub Reporter
Sunday, February 23, 2014

Chief Copy Editor and Proofreeder of the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer Bogo the Wonder Chimp was reported missing today after he did not appear for the start of his shift.  Calls to his apartment went unanswered.

Bogo joined the staff earlier this year.  His career included similar assignments at a number of news sources, including the Onawa Democrat and Fox News Online.

Sarah Anchorage, Second Assistant Editor In Chief of the Pre-Intelligencer expressed concern.

"We noticed that Bogo seemed depressed the last few weeks, and mistakes were creeping into his work.  We hope that nothing serious has happened to him.

"We have every hope that Bogo will return to work soon and that there is a simple explanation for his disappearance.

"However, just in case we're wrong, we are planning a memorial service for him on Monday."

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Little Known Facts! Pope Ditalini

By Molly Dibnum-Sux P-I Columnist

His Holiness, Pope Ditalini

One of the early clerics in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, His Holiness, Pope Ditalini, was the first gluten-free Pope.

Buttwinder Law: New Partner, New Name

Bob Buttwinder, Esq., Head Counsel for the Buttwinder Law Firm has announced the appointment of his son, Bud Buttwinder as General Partner.  The younger Buttwinder recently received his LLD from Bookmark University, an online institution.

With the addition of the new partner, the firm will now be know as "Buttwinder and Buttwinder-Attorneys Around Law".

Bob Buttwinder explained the name change:

"We're a growing firm, and we wanted a name that would set us apart from the crowd.  We retained the Shpilkes Discount Marketing folks to come up with that name.

"A lot of lawyers label themselves "Attorneys at Law", but Shpilkes helped us realize that, not only are we at law, we're on the law, in the law, and all over the law.  We tried to reflect this with the new name."

Bud chimed in:

"If you need legal help, please call us.  I really don't have a lot to do right now."

Little Known Facts! Myron Floren

by Molly Dibnum-Sux P-I Columnist

Interesting, but little known, fact from the world of music: Myron Floren actually passed away in 1970 in a tragic bellows accident. Archive footage of Floren was used for the last 10 years of the Welk show, with the color of his suit changed via chroma-key for each performance and midi used to "squeeze-box sync" the soundtrack. 

After his passing, Myron's younger brother Leroy Floren assumed his name and passed himself off as the original. Whereas Myron was known as "the Happy Norwegian", Leroy was called "the Dissolute Norwegian". Also, Myron was famous for his appearances at the Corn Palace in Mitchell, South Dakota while Leroy never made it beyond the much smaller venue, the Soybean Palace in Wanamingo, Minnesota.

Source: Famous Accordionists of the Upper Midwest (In Press)

Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer Newsroom Staff

Sarah Anchorage - Political and Fashion Editor

Former Miss Western Monona County (1996), Potential Graduate of the University of Northern Iowa, former Commissioner, Monona County Drainage District 42 (Northeastern Blencoe)-Partial Term.  In her role as Second Assistant Editor in Chief, Sarah is 23rd in the line of corporate succession.

 

Girnt Shpilkes - Business Editor

Chairman and CEO of Shpilkes Discount Marketing, VLLC, a Siouxland-based public relations and marketing firm.
Winner of the 2013 Lifetime Achievement Award from the Siouxland Marketing Association.

 

Perry Fard - Religion Editor 

Proprietor, Fard Tire and Collision.
High Priest and Recording Secretary of the Monona County Pagan Bureau.

 

Molly Dibnum - Columnist, "Little Known Facts"

Graduate of Bookmark University Online School of Journalism
Major in Over-excited Prose.

Nate Frikandellen - Roving Reporter

 

Flain Douglas - Cub Reporter/Unpaid Intern

2010 Graduate of NCC.

 

Beth Peterson

Director of Human Resources

Sue Dunham - NSA Monitor

Native of  Sioux City, 1995 Graduate of  Morningside College

 

Buttwinder and Buttwinder, VLLC

Attorneys

 

 

 

In Memorium

Bogo the Wonder Chimp 1994-2014

Copy Editor and Proofreeder

The Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer is a wholly owned subsidiary of Willbury Medical Supplies International Holdings, Inc.

Adult Survivors of Childhood Accordion Lessons - March Support Group Meeting

ASCAL, the Adult Survivors of Childhood Accordion Lessons (Monona County Branch) announces its March Support Group Meeting.

The meeting will be held on Friday evening, March 14, 2014 at 7:30 p.m. at the Turin Municipal Center.  Members are asked to bring refreshments to share.

Attendees may use either the front or rear entrances.

Dolphin Intelligence Questioned in New Study

A new study has cast doubt on the intelligence of dolphins.

A team of grad students in the Northwestern College (Orange City) Department of Oceanology published their findings in the most recent issue of The Iowa Journal of Non-Controversial Science.

To explore dolphin communications, the team developed headgear with electronic interfaces that would allow the dolphins to participate in social media.  Outfitting 25 dolphins with the devices, the first phase of their study focused on the use of Twitter.

Assistant Associate Professor Van Vander Vandyke was the faculty sponsor of the project.

"Frankly, we were surprised at the results.  While other studies have reinforced the theory of advanced dolphin intelligence, when we looked at the Tweets, we realized we were dealing with some pretty dumb animals."

An edited selection of the dolphin tweets:

@skweekie528

im not a racist but why do those flippin tuna think they need to come to our school they stink #gobackwhereyoucamefrom

@zipper4eva17

my bro was on facebk and he got a social decease #safetextingrules

@wetwillie42

amazing the ocean is 2014 years old now  #seapartypatriots

@dinnerroll2

i hate those sharks they have dorsal fins the size of can of lopes #kingin2014

@redy2party15

howcom its always marytime and never janicetime #thanksobama

Willbury Medical Introduces New iPhone App

While several companies have introduced apps to aid in colonoscopy prep, Willbury Medical Supplies has developed the first app supporting the actual procedure.

The app uses the iPhone rear-facing camera and interfaces with Apple Maps for turn-by-turn directions.  Accessories are available through third party sources and include a five foot quick-detach lanyard and a 30' Lightning to HDMI cable for auditorium shows.

Willbury's "Say Cheese" app is available for any iPhone  running iOS 5 or later and is currently available in the App Store.




A version for the iPad is planned for 2Q14.

Shpilkes Lands Major Coca-Cola PR Account

* * * For Immediate Release * * *

(Sioux City, Iowa)  Shpilkes Discount Marketing announced the award of a major public relations contract with Coca-Cola Inc.  The contract covers marketing, communications, and brand management in the face of a disastrous advertising campaign by Coke.

On Sunday, February 2, 2014, during the Super Bowl, Coca-Cola premiered an ad titled "It's Beautiful", featuring the song "America the Beautiful" sung in a number of different languages by people of various ethnic backgrounds.

You can watch the commercial here.

Criticism on the Interweb was swift and merciless.  A sample of Facebook comments:

"I understand what all are saying but this is AMERICA'S National Anthem. Can we go elsewhere and sing their anthem in our language. Absolutely not! we would have to learn or get left behind. Simple."

"America the Beautiful should be sung in American!"

 "English is the official language of the United States.."

Coke executives are terrified of losing a major market segment consisting of people who:

• Can't tell the difference between "America the Beautiful" and "The Star Spangled Banner",
• Think that "American" is a language, and
• Think that the United States has an official language*. 

Girnt Shpilkes, CEO of Shpilkes Discount Marketing, outlined the first steps in re-addressing this market segment:

"Our first challenge is to define the segment.  We have identified the average consumer in this space as ill-informed and racist, but possessing the ability to send a text or Tweet on a mobile phone.  We are now referring to this group as the "dumb with thumbs" segment."

 

 

 To cater to this segment, a special redesign of the familiar Coke can has been developed.

Coke executives have announced they are increasing the reach of their sponsorship activities.  In addition to NASCAR, the NBA, and the Special Olympics, in 2014 Coke will be a major sponsor of the Darwin Awards.
 
After reviewing the texts of the unfavorable Interweb posts, Coca-Cola has dropped sponsorship of regional literacy programs, introducing  a new slogan:

 

 * Correction, 2/3/2014: Although the U.S. does not have an official language, some states have designated one.  Iowa, for example, has two official languages: English and a series of nonsense syllables made popular by Congressman Steve King.)