Shpilkes Marketing Wins RNC 2016 Presidential Contract

Shpilkes Discount Marketing VLLC has been awarded a major contract by the Republican National Committee for public relationship services to support the 2016 presidential campaign.

After a hotly-contested bidding round, Shpilkes was able to secure the contract after offering to supply his services to all Republican candidates through a volume discount.

Girnt Shpilkes, Chairman and CEO of Shpilkes Discount Marketing, said the promotional campaigns have begun in earnest.

Slogans have been developed for each of the candidates, and will be rolling out in nationwide print and electronic media during the next two weeks.

The slogans:

Ben Carson

"Being President is just like being a surgeon.  Sometimes the patient is not going to make it!"

Chris Christie

"Hand over your lunch money, you little punk!"

Ted Cruz

"I'll have the Presidency with some fava beans and a nice chianti!"

Jim Gilmore

"What's my name! I mean seriously ... I'm asking ... what's my name?"

Lindsey Graham

"Hush my mouth!"

Carly Fiorina

"I drove Hewlett Packard into the ground;  I can drive America to greatness!"

Bobby Jindahl

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd!"

John Kasich

"I look moderate now, don't I?"

Mike Huckabee

"Somebody's got to make Jeb look smart!"

George Pataki

"Yes, he's still alive!"

Rand Paul

"Not as dumb as he sounds!"

Rick Perry

"Feel the Oops!"

Marco Rubio

"Thirsty for success!"

Rick Santorum

"HELLO! ... hello ... hello ... hello ..."

Donald Trump

"Yes, it's my hair ... my brain is just providing too much fertilizer!"

Scott Walker

"An you thought Ted Cruz was unethical!"

Jeb Bush

"JEB!   JEB?   JEB!?!"

The campaign already shows the hallmarks of a Shpilkes effort: the smattering of quality, the limited use of fonts, and liberal use of exclamation points.

As with the 2012 election, Shpilkes' expenses are being covered by the Democratic National Committee.

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a. Cave Canum

b. Jiggery-Pokery

c. Rackum-Frackum

3. There are nine apples.  If Bob has five of them, he has ____________ of apples.

a. A bunch

b. Barely a majority

c. A majority

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b. Pouting

c. Crying over spilled milk

d. All of the above

5. The First Amendment guarantees:

a. Freedom of speech

b. Freedom from contradiction

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Nation Faces "Iowa Levels of Disaster" After SCOTUS Gay Marriage Ruling

by Sarah Anchorage, Exclusive to the 
Pre-Intelligencer

Republican Candidates, Right-wing Pundits, and Fox News Analysts (redundant - Ed.) have all predicted disaster for the United States in light of the Supreme Court Ruling in Obergefell v. Hodges that marriage of same-sex couples is protected under the United States Constitution.

To get a sense of the trouble ahead, one need only look at the Iowa experience.

The Iowa Supreme Court ruled for marriage equality on April 3, 2009 in Varnum V. Brien.  Since that ruling, the state has been plagued with a long list of catastrophes, including:

1. Flooding of the Missouri River in 2011
2. Under-funding of Iowa Public Schools during several legislative sessions
3. Cancellation of the Iowa Republican Straw Poll due to lack of candidate interest
4. A general decrease in the prices of corn and soybeans
5. A 8% drop in the value of farmland
6. Melting of the butter cow at the Iowa State Fair
7. Prolonged closure of the bridge across the Monona-Harrison Drainage Ditch
8. Re-election of Congressman Steve King -- three times!

Left-handed Experience Discrimination After New Indiana Law

Left-handed people are facing increased discrimination in Indiana, prompted by that state's recently-passed Religious Freedom Restoration Act.

John Smith (not his real name), a life-long resident of French Lick, Indiana, experienced the effect of this law first-hand when trying to dine at a local restaurant, Bud's Chop N Sop.

"Bud met me at the door and told me that he didn't serve left-handed people at his restaurant, due to his deeply-held religious beliefs."

When we talked with Bud Fakken, owner of Bud's Chop N Sop, he told us his opposition to lefties was clearly based on Biblical text.

"It's right there in Matthew 25:41," Bud told us. 

“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels."

Bud continued: "As I remember it, the verse goes on to say that just because someone is hungry, you don't necessarily have to feed them."

Bud's Chop N Sop is a long-term fixture in the French Lick area.  They feature pork, lamb, chicken, and beef chops, served with a side of bread to "sop up" the gravy.

Fakken also explained that his position was also a matter of business economics.

"If I am forced to stock left-handed knives, forks, spoons, plates, cups, and glasses, that expense alone will drive me out of business.  I get very little return business as it is."

In related news, demonstrators assembled outside the headquarters of the Left Hand Brewing Company in Longmont, Colorado to protest what they term "Satan's Lager."

Protesters are likely to have little effect on the company, since Colorado has explicit laws protecting citizen's rights to drink beer, smoke marijuana, and wear blue suits with white piping.

Researchers Identify "Process Engineering" Gene

Blizzard "Steveking" Smashes Into Western Iowa

Originally named Blizzard "Ragnarok" by the National Weather Service, this weekend's storm has been renamed "Steveking."

Area Manager Chetery Pyatt spoke on behalf of NOAA:

"We thought the name change was appropriate, since initial reports were overly hyped, created disproportionate levels of fear, and ultimately were found to lack any substance."

Pyatt added: "If "Steveking" does produce anything this weekend, we're sure it will be white."

In related news, Macy's Parade Balloon Rush Limbaugh says weather forecasts are a liberal conspiracy.  

Orange City Native to Audition for Ladysmith Black Mambazo Touring Company

by Nate Frikandellen, Roving Reporter

Chad Frikandellen, a native of Orange City, Iowa, is heading to New York to audition for one of the touring companies of the musical group, "Ladysmith Black Mambazzo."

Chad is a 2013 graduate of the Northwestern College School of Performing Arts.  In addition to several appearances as "Ensemble Member", Chad's featured roles at Northwestern included "Boy" in Waiting for Godot, "Young Cowboy" in Oklahoma, and "Third Bath Attendant" in The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade.