Sighting of Rare Creature in Loess Hills

 

Least Weasel (randus feenstra)

This week, tourists in Monona County's Loess Hills State Forest spotted a species seldom seen in the area.

The least weasel (also known as the little weasel or common weasel) has a large population in the Northern Hemisphere but is rarely found in Western Iowa.

Naturalists report they are extremely shy and difficult to pin down.

Intel Chip to be Installed in Downtown Onawa

 The Onawa City Council announced last week that a giant model of the Intel 8088 central processing chip will be installed in Onawa.  Using the electron microscope (loaned by Parry Fard of Fard's Collision and Pastries), the citizens were able to view a panoramic view of the future downtown area. 

The Onawa slogan will be changed to "Widest Silicon in the U.S."

Shpilkes Presents: "The Colors of Trump" Trading Cards

Shpilkes Discount Marketing, VLLC is proud to announce "The Colors of Trump", a new set of trading cards highlighting the mind and career of Donald J. Trump!

Most Americans would agree that Donald Trump was a president of the United States.  Now you can commemorate his life and times with a set of trading cards!

The design of these cards is based directly on Trump's personal set of crayons, stored securely at Mar-A-Lago and includes a bonus transparent card!

These are not physical cards, but a modern collection of NFTs (Non Fiduciary Things) and quantities are unlimited! They can be yours for a recurring monthly charge of $99 (each). 

(Note: due to expected demand and court actions, the shipment of these trading cards may be not ship immediately, if at all.)

The cards are randomly generated and each card comes in two versions. Collect them all!

Version 1: "The 18th Hole"

Version 2: "Keep It Coming"

Version 1: "My Military Service"

Version 2: "My Special Subpoena Pants"

Version 1: "A Healthy Glow"

Version 2: "Never Eat 'Em"

Version 1: "King Me!"

Version 2: "My Bone Spurs Medal"

Version 1: "My Pal Putin"

Version 2: Fun with Ketchup"

Version 1: "My Shirts"

Version 2: "Your Noses"

Version 1: "Back 'Em"

Version 2: "Beat "Em" (January 6th Edition)

Version 1: "My Peeps"

Version 2: "My Hood"

Version 1: "Heart and Soul"

Version 2: "Some Things Don't Matter"

Bonus Transparent Card

Version 1: "My True Hair Color"

Version 2: "Election Fraud"

About Shpilkes Discount Marketing

Girnt Shpilkes is the Founder, CEO and sole proprietor of Shpilkes Discount Marketing (a Very Limited Liability Company), a Siouxland-based public relations and marketing firm.

He was the winner of the 2013 and 2014 Lifetime Achievement Awards from the Siouxland Marketing Association.

More about his numerous awards here.

Accident Victim Treated and Released

 

Local police and ambulance services responded to a car accident Thursday evening at the 290th Street bridge over Sherman Creek.

Rusty Tiller, 23, of Kennebec told officers that a drunken bridge railing had appeared out of nowhere, striking his car.

EMTs at the scene assessed Tiller with two broken femurs, a punctured lung, and possible concussion.

The driver was taken to the Onawa Health and Wellness Center. After an initial examination, Tiller was released with a pamphlet on mindfulness meditation and a sample bottle of Tea Tree oil.

_______________________

Update, 10:00 p.m.:  The ambulance drivers intended to transport the victim to the Burgess Health Center.  Due to a Google Maps error, he was taken to the Willbury Health and Wellness Center, a new-age facility recently opened in Onawa. A GoFundMe account for the Tiller family is under development.

Free Hats Offered to Encourage Vaccinations

 

Monona County Public Health is offering free hats to encourage residents to get their COVID-19 vaccination shots.

Shots (and hats) will be available on Wednesday at the Onawa Convention Center and on Thursday at the Moorhead Post Office.

The hats have been donated by the local chapter of the American Genealogical  Association and Father B. DuBeos, chapter president.

_____________________________

Correction:  An earlier version of this story identified the American Gynecological Association as the donor of the hats. We regret the error.

SUX-PI Welcomes Former President Trump to the World of Blogging!

 

Ex-President Donald J. Trump has announced his newest social media adventure.  After being banned from Facebook and Twitter, the former president has created his own blog to communicate with his dwindling base of supporters.

We of the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer not only welcome the defeated president, we feel the strongest kinship with his newly-created blog.

Since 2012, we have worked sporadically to produce mediocre satire, painfully obvious humor, and uninformed, but hurtful, fiction.

We know the late president shares a taste for the same.

Also, the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer has persevered in spite of dreadfully inept staff.  On our roster you'll find the morbidly incompetent, narcissistic  psychopaths, chronic absentees, crooked lawyers, compulsive  liars, and habitual blasphemers.  In addition, our former Assistant Editor in Chief is facing a raft of felony charges.

Again we find a striking number of parallels when we look at the composition of the erstwhile Trump administration.

We wish the past president best of luck with his new blog! Welcome to the team!

Ted Thesaurus, our unpaid intern, helped, assisted, and facilitated this article, column, and posting.  For this we are grateful, thankful, and beholden.

Who is the 2x4 Rat Killer? PETA Investigates

Odd Items Mailed to Sioux County to Introduce Sense of Irony

Letter: "Stop Calling Steve King Names!"

To the Editor:

I am disgusted with the name calling in today's political world.

In particular, I think the bullying and teasing currently being directed against Congressman Steve King is disgraceful.

Things got out of hand recently when an invitation to debate was posted on the Interweb. Congressman King replied succinctly and directly to the request.

(I am told that "meh" is young people code for "maybe eventually, homey".)

In the last day, I have heard Steve King called "The Cowardly Lyin'", "Chicken ala King", and "The Pale, Pasty Face of Evil."  I have even heard Congressman King referred to as a "White Somnambulist."

I ask the people of Northwest Iowa to have some sympathy for the man.  Imagine you were thrust into a job for which you are in no way qualified.  Imagine the frustration when, year after year, you fail to get your legislative ideas passed into law.

Imagine waking up every day, knowing that you are only one Gohmert away from being rated as the dumbest member of the House of Representatives.

Have a heart.

Leroy Stevens
Kiron, Iowa

King: "Only Women Should be Supreme Court Justices"

This is the latest analysis from the "Congressman Steve King Interpretation Project." - Editor

At the "Faith and Freedom" dinner Saturday evening, September 22, 2018 in Des Moines, Congressman Steve King delivered the following thoughts about the Senate hearings on Judge Brett Kavanaugh's nomination to the Supreme Court.

From the Des Moines Register:

“I’m thinking, is there any man in this room that wouldn’t be subjected to such an allegation? A false allegation?” King said. “How can you disprove something like that? Which means, if that’s the new standard, no man will ever qualify for the Supreme Court again.”

Once again, King's comments have lead to confusion and anger.  Some interpreted King as dismissing the allegations out-of-hand without investigation, excusing sexual violence, or a near-admission to his own misdeeds as a youth.

We believe these are incorrect interpretations.

Further, we believe that Congressman Steve King is saying that, since men have no control over their impulses (regardless of age), it would be far safer to appoint only women to the United States Supreme Court.

For more information on the "Congressman Steve King Interpretation Project, see this link.

Steve King Staffer Pens Anonymous Op-Ed

Mahlon Fleppmann (2016 Photo)

by Flain Douglas, Factotum


A senior member of Congressman Steve King's staff has submitted an anonymous editorial to the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer.

Mahlon Fleppmann, of rural Kiron, Iowa, writes of the challenges he faces in his role as social media coordinator for the King campaign.

To protect his privacy, his family, and his home (on C Avenue in Kiron, midway between Highway 35 and 290th Street), we are withholding publication of his editorial. (Which is really too bad, because it is a "barn burner." - ed)

In the opinion piece, Fleppmann talks of how Congressman King would fly into rages shouting "Fake News!" when reading The Onion.  Staff are forced to take turns reading King's email to him, given his inability to remember his Gmail password ("StevieK1$".)

After returning from a visit with Neo-Nazis recently in Austria, King returned home bitter that he had not been able to see a kangaroo first-hand.

"We've fought for hours with the Congressman trying to convince him to debate his Democratic opponent this fall," Fleppmann says.  "After giving one excuse after another, King admitted that he was afraid the audience would laugh at him."

"We had to agree."

Update:  In the original piece, we neglected to mention that Mahlon Fleppmann drives a 1993 Beige Toyota Camry with vanity plates "KLMENW."

Few Injuries, Only Two Missing During Successful Bicycle Event

Riders at the starting line for SUXPIALDBRATB.

by Flain Douglas, Factotum



Neither threatening skies, bone fractures, nor pitiable ignorance could dampen the spirits of the twenty-thousand cyclists who were on hand for this year's Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer Annual Labor Day Bicycle Ride Around the Block.

The 2018 SUXPIALDBRATB was hosted by the city of Onawa, Iowa and  attracted cyclists from as far away as Pisgah and Smithland.

The "Farthest Traveled" award went to a D. Daniel from Longmont, Colorado, who rode in the Seniors Group.

This year's route began at the corner of Marble and 11th Streets, proceeding clockwise to 12th Street and North to Diamond.  Riders then went East to 11th, then back to Marble.

At this writing, only two riders are unaccounted for, and police believe they are missing.

Only one major mishap was recorded, when three hundred of the riders collided head-on with the pack on Diamond Street between 12th and 11th.  Officials attributed the accident to confusion about the concepts of "clock-wise" and "counter clock-wise."

Injuries were minor, limited to minor road rash and hurt feelings.  Most injuries were treated with Neosporin.

Plans are already being formed for next year's ride, to be hosted by Turin.

UPDATE:  Police report that the missing riders have been found.  The two members of Team KYBO mistakenly made a turn down the alley between 11th and 12th Streets and spent most of the afternoon at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Perry Fard watching television.

UPDATE 2:  It was earlier reported that D. Daniel from Longmont, Colorado rode in the Seniors Group.  In fact, he was entered in the "Late Middle-Age" Group.

FTOA Blanks STOA in County Charades Tournament

by Flain Douglas, SUX-PI Factotum

For the fifteenth year in a row, the Fast Talkers of America defeated the Slow Talkers of America in this year's Monona County Charades tournament.

Both organizations were well represented at the tournament, with the STOA fielding all two hundred and fifty seven members.  All three of the members of the FTOA were on hand to compete.

In reaching the finals, the FTOA faced no serious competition in their flight.  The STOA found themselves in the finals after all twelve of their early-round opponents conceded in the first five minutes of competition.

The tournament was well-covered by local media, which included nationally-known journalist and interviewer Nell Clummer.

As of this writing, the president of the FTOA, Pilo Fard, was in the third hour of his victory speech. Harriet P. Whitcomb, president and recording secretary of the STOA had no comment.

Iowa Coast Guard Auxiliary Dispatched to Border

by Flain Douglas, Factotum

Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds announced today that she is ordering the Iowa Coast Guard Auxiliary to patrol the Iowa-Nebraska border.

"This is our contribution to the effort to put an end to illegal Cornhusker border crossings", said Reynolds.

The deployment of the Coast Guard Auxiliary is viewed as an interim measure, designed to "hold the line" while Congressman Steve King seeks funding for a wall to be built between the two states in the middle of the Missouri River. 

King initiated this program by dispatching engineers from King Construction (Kiron, Iowa) to perform site assessments on the river.

The team of three has not been heard from in six weeks.

IN OTHER NEWS

Two bodies and a surveyor's transit recovered from river above St. Louis.

This is a developing story.

Local Consignment Shops Drop Fashions By Ivanka

By Sarah Anchorage

Local consignment shops in Onawa, Iowa are no longer stocking previously-owned fashions by Ivanka Trump.

Marge Hotep, proprietor of the "Look What I Found in the Basement" store says the decision has nothing to do with politics.

"They just don't sell," says Marge.  "We end up with all this clothing we can't sell and it takes up precious floor space we need for things like old cassette tapes, kitchen canisters, and used prostheses."

Other second-hand shops are following Marge's lead, including "Act Backwards" and "Turin It Over".

The movement away from Ivanka fashions includes all her clothing lines, including "I-29 by Night" and "Carhartt by Trump."

Marge's advice for locals trying to get rid of their Ivanka clothing:

"Goodwill will take it, but they turn it over to a recycling service.  People might want to save some of it if they need to plug holes in their houses' foundations."

"Huber" Ride-sharing Service Opens in Onawa

By Nate Frikandellen - Roving Reporter

Modeled on services like Uber and Lyft, a new ride-sharing service has been launched in Onawa, Iowa.

President and CEO, Ferd Huber, made the announcement today at Dan's Pizza to a crowd of several.

The service, named "Huber" in honor of its founder, has a slightly different business model from its larger competitors.

"Anybody who needs a ride in Monona County can give me a call," explained Huber.  "I expect payment upfront, and it might take a little time for me to get around to you."

"My F-150 needs a lot of work.  Off the top of my head, I'd say a new alternator, a head gasket, a brake job, and a new windshield should take care of it."

"Oh, yeah. The transmission has been making funny noises lately."

Customers who pay Ferd for the service will go on a list, and he plans to start fulfilling rides just as soon as the pickup gets out of the shop.

"Anyone who donates $100 or more will get a free ride to anywhere within the Onawa city limits," Huber added.  "Just make sure you bring gas money."

Boy Presents Trump With Major Award

by Nate Frikandellen, Roving Reporter

Only a day after receiving a gift of a Purple Heart from a retired lieutenant colonel, Donald Trump received another unearned award from a young supporter.

Tommy Lichen of Kennebec, presented Trump with his Participation Award from the Turin Elementary School Civics Bee.

“I said to him, 'Is that like the real one, or is that a copy?” the Republican nominee said moments after taking the stage at a local community center.

Tommy replied that it was a copy. Tommy had placed eleventh out of twelve in Mrs. Gladstone's 4th grade class in the 2016 school Civics Bee.

Trump said, 'Man, that’s like big stuff. I always wanted to get a Participation Award," Trump said. "This was much easier than studying the constitution and American History and stuff.”

"You know, the Federal Trade Commission oversees the Presidential Elections," added Trump. "I'm going to ask them to hand out Participation Awards this year."



(the FTC does not oversee elections;  this is the responsibility of the Federal Election Commission, ed.)

Drag Strip Boon for Local Consignment Shops

Onawa, Iowa

Plans for a drag strip at the site of the old Onawa International Airport have created an economic boon for local consignment stores.

"We have sold out of every previously-owned woman's frock size 4X and above," reported May Tajune, owner of Onawa's "Nothing to Be Ashamed Of" consignment shop.


"We still have a selection of very smart pantsuits, though."

Sanders to Supporters: "BET ON ME!"

Bernie Sanders is encouraging his supporters to wager money on his selection as the Democratic Presidential candidate in 2016.  He's even willing to take the other side of  the bets ...

By Sarah Anchorage, Political Editor

Bernie Sanders has some of the most dedicated supporters in this year's presidential race.  Even with this enthusiasm, many of his "Bernouts" have been hesitant in backing up their support with cold hard cash on the line.

The Sanders campaign is encouraging these supporters to "Bet on Bernie": engage in wagers with Hillary Clinton supporters in any amount (up to $2700.00) they can.

"You can start small," noted Vinnie Neimann, Sanders campaign director of alternative finance. "Find some Hillary hump willing to put up five bucks. You can't lose!"

Neimann continued, "Even if, God forbid, we happen to lose, you can declare the bet a campaign contribution and take a deduction on your income taxes!"

Editor's Note:  Despite the statement above, political campaign contributions are NOT tax-deductible.  Sheesh! Bernie's in enough trouble with the FEC.

 "We want to make this as easy as we can," said Neimann. "If a Bernie fan can't find a Hillary person to bet with, call us!  We will take the other side of the bet!  Bernie himself has taken over 300 Hillary bets in the last couple of months!

Supporters Slow to Move

Despite the encouragement, many Berners are hesitant.

Take the case of Lewis Carroll (not his real name), recently retired as overhead from a New Jersey software company. Carroll cites the high cost of living in New Jersey as an excuse for not engaging in a paltry $5.00 bet with a Hillary supporter.

"Tolls, groceries, property taxes, supporting my secret second family: these things all add up!" explained Carroll.  "I live on Long Beach Island -- the repair costs on my sump pump alone are incredible!"

In addition to his retirement job posting snarky Facebook comments about Hillary Clinton, Carroll is Vice-Chairman of the LBIACB, the Long Beach Island Association of Cheap Bastards.

"I mean, I'm Bernished through and through, but five dollars is five dollars!"

Shpilkes Marketing Wins RNC 2016 Presidential Contract

Shpilkes Discount Marketing VLLC has been awarded a major contract by the Republican National Committee for public relationship services to support the 2016 presidential campaign.

After a hotly-contested bidding round, Shpilkes was able to secure the contract after offering to supply his services to all Republican candidates through a volume discount.

Girnt Shpilkes, Chairman and CEO of Shpilkes Discount Marketing, said the promotional campaigns have begun in earnest.

Slogans have been developed for each of the candidates, and will be rolling out in nationwide print and electronic media during the next two weeks.

The slogans:

Ben Carson

"Being President is just like being a surgeon.  Sometimes the patient is not going to make it!"

Chris Christie

"Hand over your lunch money, you little punk!"

Ted Cruz

"I'll have the Presidency with some fava beans and a nice chianti!"

Jim Gilmore

"What's my name! I mean seriously ... I'm asking ... what's my name?"

Lindsey Graham

"Hush my mouth!"

Carly Fiorina

"I drove Hewlett Packard into the ground;  I can drive America to greatness!"

Bobby Jindahl

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd!"

John Kasich

"I look moderate now, don't I?"

Mike Huckabee

"Somebody's got to make Jeb look smart!"

George Pataki

"Yes, he's still alive!"

Rand Paul

"Not as dumb as he sounds!"

Rick Perry

"Feel the Oops!"

Marco Rubio

"Thirsty for success!"

Rick Santorum

"HELLO! ... hello ... hello ... hello ..."

Donald Trump

"Yes, it's my hair ... my brain is just providing too much fertilizer!"

Scott Walker

"An you thought Ted Cruz was unethical!"

Jeb Bush

"JEB!   JEB?   JEB!?!"

The campaign already shows the hallmarks of a Shpilkes effort: the smattering of quality, the limited use of fonts, and liberal use of exclamation points.

As with the 2012 election, Shpilkes' expenses are being covered by the Democratic National Committee.