P-I Temporarily Suspends Publication

The Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer has been forced to suspend publication temporarily.

The suspension was necessitated by a structural analysis of our building at the Old Factory Business Park which determined the building to be unsound.

The Landlord has been notified and is in the process of addressing the structural issues.  We anticipate this temporary suspension to be temporary or shorter.

Other firms at the building will also be affected, including the Hoof & Claw nail salon, Adequate Tax Preparation Services, and Sorenson's Yoga and Chiropractic Center.

We regret this inconvenience, and look forward to resuming publication when these issues are resolved.

Candidate Bellow Apologizes For Comments

Senate Candidate Wright Bellow issued a statement yesterday concerning his original statements.

"If my earlier comments offended anyone, I am sorry.

"I might have made an unfortunate choice of words, but I'm sure members of my base knew exactly my intentions.

"I depend upon the short memories of the larger electorate to insure my victory in the fall."

No Baloney! Fact Checking The Bellow Comments

By Flain Douglas - Factotum


(Note: The editorial and decency standards of the Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer preclude us from documenting Bellow's exact statement.  This column examines only some of the purported factual bases of the comments-- editor)

• The 2014 Federal Farm Bill does NOT include "death panels."
• Neither penguins, ostriches, nor any other type of flightless bird is allowed to vote in any United States election.
• Twerking was NOT responsible for the fall of ancient Rome.
• Members of the Daughters of the American Revolution are NOT planning to take over the country by force.
• The special election for the office of Commissioner, Monona County Drainage District 42 (Northeastern Blencoe) was NOT stolen by his opponent promising voters free beer koozies.
  

•  President Obama does NOT have                on his                        .

I rate Candidate Bellow's statement:

Four Slices of Baloney!

Bellow Statements Spark Strong Reactions

Responses to Senate Candidate Wright Bellow's incendiary statements came from all corners of society:

The Vatican:
Pope Francis held a special mass yesterday for the soul of candidate Bellow.

Fox News:
Both Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly addressed the furor in their commentary yesterday.  O'Reilly characterized the comments as "sub-human".  Echoing his early intentions to move out of New York, Hannity plans to leave the continent.

Family:
Bellow's parents, Don Bellow and Iris Yurname, have initiated legal proceedings to disown their son.

The White House:
In reaction to Bellow's town-hall speech, the President has declared tomorrow a National Day of Revulsion.

Little Known Facts! Cherry Blossom Time!

By Molly Dibnum-Sioux City Pre-Intelligencer Columnist

Last week, Di and I took a trip to Sherman Township for the annual Cherry Blossom Festival!

• Free tickets to a festival are a wonderful gift!  Be sure to check the dates on the tickets before you go!
• Sherman Township has many fascinating alternative sights!  In April, don't miss the yearly burning of the road ditches!
• A "Couch and Crackers" is not the same as a "Bed and Breakfast!"
• Onawa, Iowa has a great movie theater!  To avoid long lines, go on a night when the locals are at a political rally!
• Even things like buying groceries or searching for an open gas station can be fun when you're with someone you love!

Bellow Comments Shock, Cause Anguish, Uproar

Tactical police and medical teams were called to the scene of a political town-hall meeting after comments made by Senate candidate Wright Bellow incited a riot by the audience.

Immediately after his off-the-cuff comments, there was stunned silence, broken by a single shout of  "Get him!"

The Anthon Community Center was significantly damaged by the mob.  Witnesses described the scene as "chaotic."

"Men were shouting, children were howling, and women were weeping quietly. I don't know where the torches and pitchforks came from, but everybody had one."

Pre-Intelligencer Week In Review For March 30, 2014

First of all, let me say how happy I am to be back at the helm of the P-I!  Thanks to all the little people who kept the ship afloat in my absence!

The P-I has its first spin-off!  Our regular Tuesday column, "King's English", now has its very own Interweblog!  You can check it out at King's English.

Molly Dibnum's "Little Known Facts!" will now be running on Tuesdays.  Our new fact-checking column "No Baloney" will be presented on Thursdays, featuring the work of our new factotum.

This week we salute the Monona County Pagan's Bureau, headed by our own Perry Fard.  Best luck to them on their spring membership drive!

Sarah Anchorage
Second Assistant Editor-in-Chief

This past week in the P-I:

Pre-Intelligencer Launches Major Exposé (Monday, March 31, 2014)

Prehistoric Remains Found At Peters Park (Wednesday, April 2, 2014)

Little Known Facts! Around The Home! (Thursday, April 3, 2014)

Douglas Hired: Promoted To Factotum (Friday, April 4, 2014)

Editorial: The Mysteries Of Love (Saturday, April 5, 2014)

Comments, suggestions, praise, please email: Sarah Anchorage